I Have a Confession: I Laguna Beach A Lot

I just read this post on Jezebel.

THIRTY-SIX STRAIGHT HOURS OF SEX AND THE CITY. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Props to you Emily Gould. Then again, I did that spring semester of my senior year. I told Rebecca, my roommate, that I had never seen it and she looked at me like I had been living under a rock. I mean, I was. If I was a “normal” girl, I would’ve been on that SATC shit in 2003 or something. Dude, I remember sitting in my first media class of college. We were in Weschler and the proffie was talking about all the moments that shifted the face of the media as we know it (blah blah blah) and one of them was the show, SATC. A girl and guy were behind me and the guy said, “Sex and the City…?” And the girl screamed, “Oh, my God!!!!! You don’t know Sex and the City?” The guy said, “No…?” The girl said, “Jimmy Choos!!” I thought to myself, Wow, this girl probably watches episodes of Sex and the City, screaming at the t.v.: “THAT’S ME!” That’s right, 19-year-old girl, you keep telling yourself that. I know, I know. I sound like such an old lady but I find it hard to believe that fresh-out-of-high-school-girls relate to Carrie/Miranda/Charlotte/Samantha. Come on. Really. REALLY?

Needless to say, a couple weeks later there was a SATC viewing party in my school cafeteria (Fondly known as “The Tavern”) to fare thee well the last and final episode of the series. I popped in for a bit but never got into it…Until three years later when Rebecca busted out her pirated stash and I “Play[ed] All.” And, oh God, did I play all. I got into the Carrie/Big romance big time but Carrie bugs the hell out of me. She says things like “za za zoo!” She treats Aiden like shit. How can you treat Aiden like shit? Big treats you like shit and you’re over the moon for him. Do you know that book He’s Just Not That Into You? The book was partly written by the guy who wrote that infamous episode where Miranda says those six words radically changed her approach to dating and guys. OK, all those tell-tale signs that he’s just not into you were EXACTLY WHAT BIG DID TO CARRIE. And now, from what it looks like in the previews, those two buttholes are GETTING MARRIED. EPIC FAIL DUDE WRITER. Anyway, Charlotte is darling. I can’t really hate on her. Samantha is Samantha. And Miranda is cool, stick in the ass, keeps it real chick so I dug her.

Whatever. This wasn’t meant to be a review of SATC. The whole point of this entry was to respond to Gould’s post by mentioning my parallel experience of watching Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County Season One, Disc One for a straight three hours. Granted, it’s nothing like watching SATC for 36 hours but the discs are coming in increments cos I only have the two at a time subscription with NetFlix.

I know, I know. Laguna Beach? DOWNGRADE. A faux reality show about a bunch of rich white teenagers living it up in Orange County. But that’s just it. Anybody who’s anybody watches this show for the LOLs. No one takes this show seriously. The first episode is testament to how fucking ridiculous the show is. And MTV knew it from the start. Just look at the editing! The shot of a tanned Kristin laying out on a water raft in the pool, looking straight out of a Skintimates commercial? Let’s not forget that she was 16-17. Hilarious.

It’s only fair that I document my experience of three straight hours of Laguna Beach, Season One, Disc One:

  • A black and white party themed party at a hotel room that costs $700/night – W.T.F. W.T.F.
  • “This car is DUNZO!” – Oh, so THAT’S where dunzo (ONTD catch phrase circa 2005) came from!
  • Polster “Party Enthusiast” – OK, that HAS to be his last name. What parent names their kid Polster. It sounds like upholster. Also, thank you MTV for giving Polster his three seconds of fame as a quote party enthusiast end quote. I want to be an editor
  • Dieter “Stephen’s Wing Man” – YES. MTV. YES.
  • Alex: “If you and Stephen had babies they’d be so good looking.” Kristin: “Cos Stephen’s all tan.” Um, enough said?
  • “What happens in Cabo stays in Cabo. Hehe!” – You’re fucking 16-17.
  • Who calls their girlfriends while they’re tanning on the tanning bed…SEVERAL FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER
  • Kristin, REMOVE THOSE IMAGINARY COTTON BALLS FROM YOUR MOUTH.
  • Me: (eating Nutella from the jar while watching Deiter and Stephen muse at the fucking amazing view from their hotel room, the group gallivanting in the pool, and then dancing in Cabo) THAT’S YOUR LIFE? THAT’S YOUR LIFE.
  • (Kristin pole dancing awkwardly but enthusiastically) Stephen: “Look at you SLUT. Oh, my God! […] What the fuck, dude? Where’s LC?” – Oh, HALES NO. DO NOT DO IT, LC. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER. Like Stephen says, Kristin is a fun girl to hook up with. LC is long-term girlfriend marriage material. I mean, come on. LC, do you really want this?

I’m not one to judge regarding use of the middle finger and suspicious smoking activities but LC keeps it classy and Stephen’s a straight up bro. What can I say? I’m an LC fan. She grew on me like moss. Sue. Me.

This is too much. I’m going to watch The Wire now.

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