Story of My Life

My favorite movie moments are the teeniest tiniest ones that don’t really contribute to the plot but make you go, “Oh my God, that’s what I’ve been trying to say!” or “Thank goodness I’m not the only one who does that!” The following scene is from Rush Hour, one of the greatest movies (IMHO) ever, and is a prime example of audiences (IMHO) “relating to the character.” Who HASN’T done this?!

Spicy Poop

NOTE: Some people get really offended by poop. If you are offended by anything remotely related to poop, pooping, and bodily functions that are PERFECTLY NATURAL and NORMAL you have been warned. This post may not be to your level of comfort.

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Last Saturday I capped off a typical Adams Morgan night of fun with the ever-tasty and ever-reliable Pizza Mart jumbo slice. If you are like me, you pack that sucker with chili pepper and garlic powder. I had not had Pizza Mart in ages so you can imagine how excited I was (Though I’m willing to bet those beers earlier in the day had some kind of effect). My mouth was on fire and the next morning, when all the beer and pizza had digested, so was my butt. WHAT THE BLEEP…? That question ran through my brain as I sat on the toilet. In All Caps and everything. I wondered why that day’s morning toilet pow wow felt different from the rest, made a mental list of what I had eaten the previous day, and when I got to “Pizza Mart, chili, garlic,” I knew why.

I had to confirm my theory and so I went to my friends, the trusted ones who would not judge or make fun of me for asking questions about their poop and my poop. The ones who would not laugh in my face or, if they did, they would laugh in my face and then say in an apologetic and then sympathetic tone, “No, really. I’m sorry. Okay, I’m going to Google this right now.” My roommate, Rebecca, Googled “spicy poop” and found a blog with a person who asked the same question. My friend, Sara, said she’d ask her friend Lauren who works at the NIH and was on her way to becoming a doctor.

Here’s the diagnosis:

11:47 AM Sara: i’m talkign to lauren about spicy poop
me: lol
what’s the word?
11:48 AM Sara: me: if you eat really really spicy food, is it normal for the poop to burn when it comes out?
Lauren: i think so — the cells there are very delicate
and a lot of the spicy probably isn’t broken down during digestion
me: YES
Sara: you’re not crazy!
me: YAY!
Sara: and:
plus, it may cause extra stomach acid to be produced that gets mixed in and that would burn too

So there you go. If you’ve ever thought, No way! because the thought of having burning sensations down there due to spicy foods sounded crazy, don’t worry you’re not. There’s a scientific explanation for that.

Are You Listening Man?

The best part about vegging out in front of the t.v. at one in the morning in the Washington, D.C. area is catching my beloved Eastern Motors commercial.  

How’d they get Carmelo Anthony? Oh, D.C. I never thought I’d say this but, strangely, I love you and am missing you already…

"I Just Don't Know Why My Dad This to Me."

MTV will debut a new show in the fall called Exiled. It follows some of those girls you may remember from a little show called My Super Sweet 16. I know. Another show with those idiots? Hear me out. Fed up with their children’s behavior (Uh, ya think?!), the parents of these teenage terrors bitch slap their daughters with a dose of “reality” by transplanting them from their luxurious life in all-American Suburbanville to Remote Area, Third World Country. All I gotta say is, Thank You MTV!

In closing, thoughts on My Super Sweet 16 from British comedy writer/journalist Charlie Brooker. Love him. 

"i was going to 'overheard on my g-chat' the stuffwhitepeoplelike shit"

Annie: oh! the newest SWPL!

it’s a problem i contemplate DAILY when i think about drinking with my children!!

me: SWPL?
Annie: stuffwhitepeoplelike
also didja hear about their BOOK DEAL
me: “White children should drink wine. They should not be allowed to drink beer or other ‘party’ liquors.”
haha
book deal?
No! I didn’t hear about this!
“white people also enjoy binge drinking”
hahaha
Annie: oh they made a post about it
me: expected to come out later this year?
wow
this is insane
Annie: yes, august
that book will be sitting on my coffee table
me: ha! same here
Annie: in my whiteass house filled with michel gondry movies, grad skewl
applications, and french press coffee

me: HAHAHAAHAHAHA
will the book be next to an issue of vanity fair?
Annie: oh, or the new yorker
perhaps a mcsweeneys publication as well
me: lol
man, sometimes i wonder if my life will be like my big fat greek wedding
what do i bring to the in-laws’ house you know? bundt cakes and shit?
Annie: haha LOL
me: that is, of course, if i end up with some white dude
Annie: sometimes i think that too
when i visited *John’s parents it felt that way
me: really?
Annie: ‘shes this exotic girl who speaks three languages and grew up in EEEEGYPT’
me: HAHAHAHAA
exotic!
what did they say?
Annie: haha it wasnt verbatim like that, but they were Very interested
because they’re rich white people